sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.