You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”