You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.