You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
You Might Also Like
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he鈥檒l never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 馃挍.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter鈥檚 greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you鈥檙e hired
Me: I鈥檓 sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 馃槈
doctor: hahahaha 馃檪
me: i’ll be here all week haha 馃檪
doctor: haha give or take
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It鈥檚 you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you鈥檙e 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that鈥檚 going to happen.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
[on a date]
him: I hope you鈥檙e a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 馃グ馃グ馃グ
Me: You鈥檙e not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you鈥檙e not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn鈥檛 think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Honestly, I鈥檓 a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I鈥檓 just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I鈥檒l empty out their pockets and we鈥檒l have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.