I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
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If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
is this a threat
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
subtitles are so good nowadays
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.