she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married