Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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Just parrot things
That took me a moment.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is