I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
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*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.