THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
You Might Also Like
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
we’re gonna need another temp
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji