Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
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When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
5 ways to appear taller
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
this is 10/10 content no notes
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.