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Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”


*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon



me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all


Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.


Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.


Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*


Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake


Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.


Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”