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new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.