@Luiseach
@bewgtweets A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
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@bewgtweets 
@Tbone7219 Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
@PoodleSnarf *getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
@MelvinofYork me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
@JasonLastname Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
@Home_Halfway Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
@2tickytacky Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
@internetluke Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
@TitansHomer Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
@dogfather Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”