new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
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There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
i wish we could shoplift online
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”