Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
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One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
<—- homeless romantic
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.