ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
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Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.