A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
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People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?