A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
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“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.