angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious