Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?