Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Welcome to the stomach
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.