Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
You Might Also Like
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Herpes is trending, good job people
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.