Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
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Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”