AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
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This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
that de-escalated quickly
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.