AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
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“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*