With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
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[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger