Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
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*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Hot Panini is in big trouble
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Sing it!
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.