*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
You Might Also Like
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?