The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Peace was never an option
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed