me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
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Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.