I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
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Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
This will never not be funny 😭
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.