My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
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[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
*serious situation*
My brain:
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon