All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
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[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
This meal prepping shit easy
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
And that about sums it up.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Lmao
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine