[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
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I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Worst perfume name ever.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.