I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
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Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Life is a suicide mission.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”