Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
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You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
an airline just for babies.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s