A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess