i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
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SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
twitter users today:
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
True freaking story!
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
catch me on valentine’s day like
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.