My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
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Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is