Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
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Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
*aggressively waits in line*
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.