When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?