I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
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My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that