Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
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Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…