Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!