Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Aight bet
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.