Aight bet
You Might Also Like
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006