This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
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“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.