Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
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My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Autocorrect completely socks
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost