Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
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Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
no one ever comes back
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner