ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

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When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.


The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.


Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.


Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.


The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.


People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.


Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.


50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid