ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
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*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
This is a whole mood;
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!