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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.