Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Still cracks me up
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
sin harder.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.