Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
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I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
reminder
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”