My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
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After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.