What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
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*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.