You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?