@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

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@tastefactory

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

@thedailymarker

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

@Professor_Ryan

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

@beefman138

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

@GlennyRodge

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

@1Happytwit

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

@Token_Geezer

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that