*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that